‍When men and women go to war against each other, children lose -Jeremy Pryor.

This was a twitter quote made by an author, triggered by the surge in social media arguments, podcasts and dating debates surrounding clashes between men and women. Relationships meant to serve as  catalysts for companionship have now turned into a ground for gender battles. Love is gradually being redefined, as it's now a gauge for who is more strategic. The comparisons between both genders about—who suffered more, who deserves to be treated better, and feminine equal rights. “Loving is a losing game", as Duncan Laurence's song "Arcade" had said . This is the new generation’s definition of love, a game where no one wants to lose. This is not a new discovery, it's just louder with them. And yet, beneath all the noise, there remains a quieter truth our culture has always known, men and women are not rivals. They are interdependent.

The present clash between men and women is not just unfolding. It grew from unhealed wounds—not necessarily the wounds of the persons involved—but from watching their mothers and fathers have unmet expectations, from personal abuse history and betrayal. Now, men and women meet each other guarded up and taking minimal risks to avoid being broken. 

Amongst the Yorubas(an ethnic group originating from west africa), there goes a proverb that says “a river does not flow without its banks”. Conflict only exists where there's connection. The reason the gender debate—both physically and on social media, is always so heated is because the relationship between men and women still matters deeply. If it did not, there would be no fight to win.

Traditionally, Nigerian societies understood this interdependence clearly. Roles were divided not to create hierarchy, but to ensure survival. Men and women occupied different spaces, yet neither could function fully without the other. The home, and communities within—each rely on a balance of energies from both sources. Tradition often failed women through silence and restriction, and men through emotional neglect and rigid expectations. The truth is that, it brought balance to something we are now forgetting, when partnership collapses, everyone loses.

Following through with the quote above by Jeremy Pryor that says, “When men and women go to war against each other, the children lose”. The cost of today’s gender war cannot be overlooked. It shows up in delayed marriages, distrust, emotional exhaustion, and a generation unsure how to love without losing itself. Men are told they are unnecessary until they are asked to provide. Women are told they are powerful until they express the desire to be held, supported, or chosen. In trying to correct old ways, we have paved way into a new kind of disconnection.

Terms are being redefined, wrongly at that. Feminism, in some spaces, has been reduced into antagonism rather than liberation on behalf of less privileged women. Masculinity, that was once celebrated and defined by responsibility and protection, has been criticised without being redefined or seen in its original light. Social media prefers to live on resentment rather than see the need to redefine the issues. While men and women fight against each other for superiority, loneliness and  bitterness takes over. They only see themselves as the enemy, when the true enemy is the disconnection caused by all the wars they are fighting against each other. 

While at war, fighting for sole independence, men and women continue to reach for each other in private. Despite this, people still desire partnership. And beyond “X” arguments and gender wars, men and women are still getting married daily. Men still seek emotional safety, and love. Women still desire companionship, and someone to lean on. “We don't need men vs women. We need healed men. We need healed women. Anything else is noise”. An “X” user had said earlier this year that the insistence of “I don’t need anyone” often hides disappointment more than freedom.

Healing, probably, begins with quieter conversations and less performance. It begins with listening instead of trying to  prove something. Healing may come with recognising that it does not come from winning arguments but from rebuilding trust. The work of reconnection might not trend as much as the damage has. But it will happen in homes, friendships, and  honest conversations.

When men and women learn to choose each other once again, they'll see that it is in partnership and not in dispute, that balance is sustained.

@Adedoyin Adeoye

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